Family Picture Time - Let the Hostage Negotiations Begin

photographic evidence that we went out without kids!

Anyone who knows me, knows of my love of pictures. I love photographs of anything. Most of all I love looking at pictures of my kids and husband. The pictures take me right to that moment and I smile at expressions forever captured...these pictures I speak of are the ones that I take with my phone. You know the ones around the house and in a store. But family pictures...professional ones are a real gem...I love to see other people's family photos, everyone looks so effortlessly put together. No one looks like they want to scratch their siblings eyes out...So naturally I would like to have these pictures of my family. So begins family photos with the inmates. This is a real production that you almost have to see to believe. And yet I ignorantly sign us up again and again to do it. Planning is key to great pictures (hahahaha!). You see if you schedule the picture time correctly your kids will have taken a long restful nap and be playful, happy, photogenic angels.
I'm sure this works for some families but for us it goes like this...I get out the calendar for 3 weeks in a row and try to get Luke to commit to a date that will work with his schedule. He generally pretends to forget the date, despite it being on the calendar and when I remind him he feigns annoyance. He says, "what are we getting pictures for anyways? Do I have to be in them?" No, Luke I'll be having my stand in husband come for the family photos...I don't think anyone who visits our house will notice. He historically hates picture day, but loves looking at the pictures and showing them off more than I.
Next, I contact the photographer...We found THE BEST photographer (Jamilah) right after we had Jackson, and have been using her ever since. Her work is impeccable and she is incredibly sweet. And most importantly, after all of our sessions, she still returns my phone calls and agrees to take our pictures again and again...This time she said we would be her evening session...this is code for, "I'll meet you after I go to happy hour!" This isn't her first rodeo with the Evans' clan. She tells me, "Get your outfits together." This is because she know that I am typeA to the max. There will be outfit changes and props - I bring an entire trunk of junk. What she doesn't realize is that I have to plan for the spit up change and the occasional oops I pooped my pants change.
Planning the outfits - Its me and the boys, so I guess pink is out. I spend days looking online, in our closets and in stores to get some coordinated clothing. I have down to a science, 3 outfits for each of us. I get the boys coordinated shirts and fancy jeans. Luke gets some nice, well fitting shirts. I pull out my finest yoga pants. By the time I figure out what I am to wear, I'm outta wine steam.
Picture day - I plan meal times and nap times to be at our finest and perkiest for the photo session. Jackson decides that a nap is not on his agenda. So I lay with him and of course I fall asleep which means my time to get ready went from 30 minutes to 2. I get up, sneak out of his bed and start putting out everyones clothes and packing my bag of tricks. I get Luke to feed the baby and then I dress him. I wake Jackson from his nap (waking any child, especially mine is like breaking one of the 10 commandments in my house) because he refused to fall asleep at a normal time, now I must wake him. He is a complete potato head. I dress that rag doll and get him some snacks for the car. He tells me he will not wear the shoes that I put on him...HERE hostage take over begins. I immediately tell him that if he will wear these shoes then I will give him colored gold fish to eat on the drive. Offer accepted, shoes stay on. Well at least until we get into the car where he promptly removes them..."I gotta get these guys off." Great!
During this entire escapade, Luke is asking me what time we are supposed to be there and what he is supposed to wear. I have reminded him of each of these things for 2 days now, but today its all new information. I show him his shirt choices and tell him to wear which ever jeans he wants. He does not seem happy with my choices. He'll get over it, I may have to start bribing him as well.
I quickly dress and attempt to brush the mop of hair that I have. And throw my make up in a bag, I'll finish that in the car. As we get into the car I realize that I haven't eaten anything all day, too busy running around making sure everyone is ready. I would pull out some of Jackson's snacks but that would likely get him fired up. So instead I'll have an appetite squelching stick of gum, you know a 10 calorie snack!
We are off...The whole way there Jackson wants to know where we are going, what's the photographers name again, how many pictures we will be taking, etc. He is excited, he loves posing for pictures. Blake screams until we are about 5 minutes from arrival, at which time he falls asleep. Perfect. Now he's not happy to be awakened and Jackson again does not want to wear those shoes. I promise gummy spidermen if he will just wear the shoes. We arrive, say our greetings, Jamilah seems sober, and I'm starting wish I wasn't.
Now come the actual photos...you have about 6.5 minutes to keep Jackson's attention. After that he's ready to go and since he can't go he will resort to human torture. He looks the other way, lays on Blake, sticks his tongue out. And I begin to promise bags of gummy spidermen for cooperation. It works, but only briefly. So we decide to change venues, and I quickly do an outfit change on the boys without anyone noticing. I couldn't find an empty bathroom for myself so I just changed my shirt right in this park where there were many other families...whatever! Jackson tells me that he doesn't want to be in anymore pictures. So I say we will just do pictures with Blake, he says ok...out comes another bag of gummy spidermen, my bluff didn't work so I must pay up for performance.

How she ever got a photo this great, I'll never know. She's just that good...because the photo should have looked something like me mid-yell, Jackson looking the other way with a  smirk on his face while he puts his foot on Blake's head. Luke looking hungry and Blake spitting up.
Next year, I vow to stress less. I will be getting photos of just me. I'll wear yoga pants, a t-shirt, wear yesterdays make up all while holding a glass of wine.

Peak - a great photo to add to our walls

Pit - I negotiated with a small terrorist and he won. By the end of the photo session, I had promised him 14 bags of gummy spidermen, the keys to my car and a soda!

Have a great week and try to get some great family photos...I have the number to a fabulous photographer - Sharron

The Boys Pact - It Has Already Started

they are clearly plotting a hostile take over

I figured one day Luke and the boys would have secrets and looks and handshakes that they shared that I would not be privy to...I didn't think it would happen so soon. Lately it has been obvious to me that I am outnumbered. The testosterone level in our home is ever rising. The penis swag is overt and I am not invited to their party...unless it needs catering. Jackson will toss my bra at me and tell me to put on my boobs. We were all going for a walk after dinner and Jackson starts telling me to stay home. I asked him why I couldn't go for the walk, he replied...read carefully..."you have to stay home and clean the kitchen." I mentally scratched Luke's eyes out! Then I made a mental note for when Jackson is in middle school to embarrass him to no end.
So since they are already teaming up I decided I would go to a conference for only one day. And since Luke uses every other weekend to be "on call" (I really do not believe that he goes to the hospital. I think he goes to the gym, gets a quiet breakfast and then spreads some goat blood on his scrubs) I thought I could go to a one day conference. I rarely leave Luke alone to tend to both boys, but it was a local conference on a topic that I enjoy...and I need CMEs. Luke says it will be fine and that I should not worry. I ask him if he wants me to have the nanny come for half a day..."No, its just one day and 2 boys"...famous last words.
In the morning, I get up early to get ready. The weird thing is I have to wear real clothes, business casual. I wear scrubs everyday, why can't I just wear scrubs to a medical conference. But I put on a skirt and heels and I brushed my hair! I came out of the bathroom to find 2 little boys in our room. Luke was already looking skittish. I tell myself privately that they will be ok...they are my little princes. We all head downstairs, by this time Jackson is barking his morning orders. "I want some juice. I am going to wake up my movie Cars. I want a candy bar. Dad, Dadda I want some juice!" Blake is screaming, its clearly time for a feeding.
I gather my things and kiss everyone bye...Luke says, "You better hurry." As I go into the garage hearing the scream, laugh, cries I think to myself...hahahahahaha....I am "On Call".  I make it to the conference, I send several texts to check in, but no response...someone has been tied up. Then I receive a photo...

I'm pretty sure this breakfast contains only carbohydrates and fat...where is the fruit?

Luke and Jackson went to breakfast, so nice. Where the hell is Blake?!! No response.
I finally get a text that says he is surviving....who, who is surviving? Where is the baby?
I eventually arrive home. I find 2 little boys in their tshirts and diapers. Jackson says, "2 boys, no pants!" The house is clean. The boys have napped. No one has been to the emergency room. Maybe they don't need me as much as I think they do. I guess Luke really can handle all of this. I ask Jackson how his day was, "really good." Blake and Jackson are sharing toys. WTF is happening in this house?
Finally someone gives it up...My mother-in-law babysat Blake all day! I knew it...they need me. But the boy bond is strong and I see that these Evans Boys are gonna stick together.

Peak - My Evans Boys...the good times have only just begun

Here they are - waiting on their next meal provided by their obligatory woman

Pit - A friend gave me a Nerd Rope...have you ever had one of these things? I'm pretty sure I'm addicted

I saw patients in the hospital like this!

Have a wonderful week...encourage your husbands to have private bonds with your kids...then you can go out and drink wine with your friends! - Sharron

Hurricane Sandy...take me away!

Just when I think I am starting to get a fraction of my life organized, Hurricane Sandy pulls through town. I guess we won't really be getting the hurricane just the tropical storm portion.

This is Florida kid, hurricane or not you're still having your swimming lesson

Whatever, like it matters what the actual wind speed is outside when you are being held hostage in the house by two inmates. All this rain is making Jackson act like a puppy on the first cool day of fall...he's disposition is wild. He was building a train tonight, (yes that's a full size train that he's building in our garage, he does this when he isn't practicing his A-B-Cs) and next thing I know he's crying inconsolably. I just assumed  he finally realized that after he goes to bed we eat all sorts of cake and candy that he didn't know we had. But no...after about 3 minutes of wailing with real tears, I get him to tell me what's wrong...the train tracks fell off the table...that's it. I mean seriously the train tracks fell on the floor. He spends a great deal of his day launching all sorts of things onto the floor and across the house. This train has not been an exception and yet at this moment it was possibly the worst part of his day.

Needs the shades to hide the puffy eyes from all the crying

The other night he lost his mind completely when I put a sock on his right foot. He told me that he did not want that sock on that foot, he wanted it on the other foot...This was a real beauty of a break down. I was laughing so hard, which I generally do not do. I think it's mean to laugh when he is crying but for some reason the irrationality of this just caught me off guard. It was no laughing matter on his side, until I got that evil sock off his right foot and placed it directly onto his left foot where it belonged. Whew, crisis averted.

Perfect! Our junk drawer is now taped open...#RainyDayActivities

The sticker fairy found the trashcan...these were fun to get off

He also managed to explain the difference between a high note and a low note to me. This was done with the auditory aid of farts. He let out a loud whistle and said, "that's a high note momma." So proud of his work and his ability to tell the octave of his butt vibration. I just smiled and said, "sure sounded like a high note to me." What I didn't realize was that our music lesson was not complete. He then lets out a whopper and quickly points out, "that's a real low note!" I guess I never fully appreciated his musical ear, I better look into piano lessons immediately.
I really have been managing to get more done lately. Most days feel like I'm juggling while walking a tight rope in high heels. There really are just not enough hours in many of my days. But I have been consistently getting to the gym and that feels great. Jackson asked me if I took a nap at the gym...I guess the results of my hard work are not lost on him! Working out always makes me want to get into the bed earlier at night, but Luke has explained the importance of my staying up well past my desired bedtime of 10:30. I think his exact words were, "It's October, Sharron. Can you feel it? Are you excited?" If you don't know, it's playoff baseball time and now it's actually the World Series. So we have been up late watching the games and I managed to squeeze in a debate or two.

Here's Luke enjoying the debates

Don't be confused...this is Luke watching game 2 of the World Series...thank goodness I'm still up

Blake gets stronger and cuter everyday...

ready to start stirring some trouble up!

He has started to creep/crawl and now he is getting into Jackson's stuff...oh that just burns him up. I have already started to sound like my mom telling my older brother to just play with me. But Jackson does like to get into the crib with Blake in the morning when they both wake up. Blake likes to roll over onto Jackson and grab a handful of his hair...then Jackson starts screaming and the fun is over...just a preview of the rest of my life!
Well, I could go on and on, but I'm sure you have your own lives to attend to on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram!

Have a wonderful week, stay dry and stay safe...Sharron

Pit - Just realized that Jackson's relatives may really be scarecrows!

Note the uncanny resemblance...that's what you get with family from Kansas

 Peak - Here are the boys, first thing in the morning in Blake's crib!

Just before the screaming begins

Farm Fun...Vaca Part 2

Blake had some 6 month photos taken at the farm...Jackson felt it important to let us know how he felt about us interrupting his cow photographing time.

On our first night in Kansas we get to visit with one of my dearest, longest known friends...Our husbands only allow this to happen for one night, perhaps twice a year with our children supervising. If we were to be on our own, without the spying eyes of little children and with the phone number to a reliable cab we would be at some watering hole for hours gossiping and attempting to charge our bill to the Underhills. It is forever amazing to me that after nearly 30 years of knowing each other but with time and distance against us, we always pick up just where we left off. Its as if we will always just know too much about one another to not be friends. Jackson seemed to take a liking to her daughter this year, he kept trying to feed her his food. I don't know what that's about, apparently he likes a bigger girl. She is only 5 years older (little Cougar)...maybe we will be related one day!

Jackson and Alex...One can dream that he would find a girl so nice

The next day we leave civilization as I know it and head out to the farm.

Here he is...in heaven

I find it amazing that so many people ask me what in the world I will be doing on the farm...it seems I don't look like the farm sort?! The minute I step out of the car the real farmers take one look at me and hope I don't start putting make up on the cows. One year there was a calf in the barn and I wanted to bring it into the house 'cause it was so cold outside. This was not something that even crossed their minds...I have many good ideas like this but no one wants to listen.
Luke, however, is a real farm boy...Sexy, huh! He just hops his little Guess jeans wearing self up into a tractor and takes off. He took me out once to show me how to shoot a gun. As we stood there in the middle of God's country with an arsenal of weapons, I scanned the land for the nearest safe house, I could not see another home in any direction. My mother warned me, "don't let him blow your head off!" Something I had not thought of until we were standing in the middle of no where. I knew then that any of my usual irrational outbursts would be confined to suburbia.
So we are here...we made it...to the farm.

Bonfire and drinking...breakfast on the farm

Side note: I gave Jackson one of our old cameras, this was an attempt to get him to stop taking our camera. In doing so I now have photographic evidence of all the things that Jackson finds interesting. The farm photos are riveting. But it is his artistic expression and we should support it...blah, blah, blah...I'm just glad I don't have to pay to have all this "art" developed.
The farm is where the real fun for Jackson and the real drinking for me begins.

Perhaps the one and only picture that Jackson focused is of me holding a drink!

"The scary owl, I need to get a picture of it Momma!"

You see once securely in the midst of many family members in the middle of no where, there is not much else to do but eat junk, drink and pass the baby around (oh and shoot guns, which I try never to bring up). Jackson of course finds this to be liberating because his helicopter mother decreases her fly-bys. There is no one to kidnap the prince and most of the things that can really cause him bodily harm are too big for him to get onto without an adult. And without a doubt the adults that are on this trip all know how crazy I am that they would never do anything that I would not approve of...hahahaha! Enter the well meaning, nephew spoiling aunt! I hear Jackson ask for some of her drink, she of course says sure...I quickly intervene. Jackson only drinks water, milk, tea and orange juice. He has never had soda, and he has definitely never had diet soda...

Auntie Amanda - one of the top offenders at spoiling our kids...they love her!

Jackson gets to drive a tractor, get fresh eggs from the chicken coup, and play with all the farm cats.

Driving the tractor

He is mooing

He also discovered cheetos...we had a bonfire and there was lots of different food. I find my child running around covered in orange. I ask what have you been eating, he says quickly "Some new chips, we probably should get some." I make him show me the "new chips", there they were...cheetos. I'm not sure who allowed this to happen, but I am certain they were secretly laughing inside when they saw my face.
After our time at the farm, we went back to Kansas City. We had to make sure we made it to a Chiefs game. I graciously bow out of this family outing, I mean I have an infant and it is 40 degrees at game time. No thank you! But Luke decides taking our toddler would be an excellent idea. Jackson made it almost to half time. This is when he started explaining to Luke, 1,000 times in a row, that he wanted to go back to the hotel. Of course, he had cotton candy and likely a piece of candy off the bottom of one of the seats before returning. I guess he had fun...I have many pictures from his camera.

On their way to the Chiefs game...Jackson has a red finger flashlight on...

After all this vacation fun, I need a vacation of my own. This will entail me sitting alone in total silence drinking champagne from a bottle while someone rubs my feet...

Pit: I have a picture of cow poop...this is from Jackson's camera

  Peak: Blake made his first trip to the farm, his immune system is no doubt healthier from this dose of real fresh air.

 I hope you have memorable vacations with your children too...Sharron

Don't Sit Next To That Family - Vaca Part 1

Every year Luke's family makes a trek back to the homeland. This would not be Israel, but rather Kansas. We all pack up and head to his family's farm, where we hang out all day relaxing merely waiting for the yard light to come on...Once the yard light comes on, the drinking may commence. This is a good time and a super easy vacation...What I should have said was this historically was an easy vacation. Enter 2 small terrorists boys, the word easy or relaxing is no longer found in any phrase containing the word vacation. In order for me to wrap my type A brain around packing all the items we might need, I must make lists...many lists. Then the packing turns out to look something like this:

Each day for each kid...labeled and packed

You see forgetting any one item could be detrimental to everyone's good time and may delay my drinking, which is unforgivable. As we walk through the airport, I watch many shutter at the thought that they may perhaps be sitting near us on a plane. It is clear to everyone that these two boys will be kicking the seats in front of them, sneezing without covering their mouths, throwing goldfish, and screaming for most of take off and landing. But to even my surprise they were both really good for most of the flights. This probably led to all around us thinking that I had medicated my kids. Which is completely untrue because in reality I enjoy watching others suffer the way I do at times!

Jackson sitting quietly in his seat...ready to launch this book at any moment

This was however a learning experience for me...First, tell me what makes flight attendants think that giving a 2 year old wings with a sharp pin is a good idea. "Oh here are some wings for his flight, put them in his scrapbook." Thanks they won't be making it his scrapbook, but the back of the lady's head in front of us is looking good. Secondly,  don't even think of changing your childs diaper on the plane. You see, Delta Airlines equips their multimillion dollar planes with one changing table in one of the bathrooms. But don't ask the flight attendants which bathroom that might be because they have no idea. When asked they will just offer you peanuts and ask you to put your seatbelt back on...screw off lady my kid has just had a blowout and I need to get to a flat surface immediately in order to contain this potential disaster. So once I find the appropriate bathroom, I wait in line. Seriously, if you see someone standing on a plane with a 5 month old and a barrel of wipes, use some self control and let them go next for everyones safety. Once in the bathroom I pull down the changing table balance beam. I put my already rolly baby on there and try to get him undressed without a major trauma. Plane of course hits air pocket and I nearly fall out of bathroom door...but all in all we survive. As I come out I get a few dirty looks from other passengers like what was I doing in there for so long...potty training my 5 month old is really going well! Next I learned that the second you get your over tired child asleep the flight attendant will start yelling 7 minutes worth of announcements...honestly who does not know they will be coming down the aisle with the beverage cart and you can purchase beer, wine and alcohol? Of course these announcements are at ear piercing decibels which cause your just slumbering child to bounce up.

Thanks for flying the friendly skies, yes my seat is in the upright position. As we got off the plane, Jackson announced that he had been peeing a lot!
We make it Kansas...Yes Dorothy greeted us at the airport. And amazingly all of our bags make it. I may have just started crying right there if our bags went to Arizona.
 We go to leave the airport and are immediately slapped with the change in climate...hey its Fall in other places in America. When we left Florida the temperature was close to 90. And on arrival to Oz the temperature was a balmy 48. We are used to humidity somewhere around 80% and my skin likes it that way. Kansas seems to be the windiest place on earth and humidity only comes in the form of cold, driving rain. So you can see why I would need so many items for two small people. I myself could have packed one pair of drinking shoes and been happy with the clothes on my back for 4 days.
We finally make it to the farm...to be continued...
Sharron

The Quarantine Has Been Lifted

2 1/2 weeks of illness fell over our house.

This was literally the cloud over our house for weeks

 First Jackson, then Blake and then Jackson's cold came back for a repeat engagement, only this time it was much worse. And did I mention that when they were both the sickest I succumb to the germs. Some how Luke manages to escape the little disease laden inmates but not me. Oh no, these 2 little weapons of mass destruction wait until I am at my weakest, like when my wine glass is empty, then they use this opportunity to blind side me with a match box car on the floor and as I'm tripping, flailing my arms in an attempt to find something to keep me from hitting the ground; they cough right into my mouth.

Here they are plotting how to infect me

And after 2-3 nights of bed hoping trying to put the coughing babes back to sleep, I awake feeling like I have been hit by a mack truck. This is where motherhood stops being fun.
All I wanted to do was get in the bed and be left alone...hahahaha! NOT a CHANCE. Despite my West Nile Virus symptoms, Luke insists I put Blake to sleep when he's really sick, because "You're a nurse. You know how to deal with this stuff." I'm pretty sure it does not take a nurse of any sort to apply vicks to a chest and suction a nose. But thanks to my years of working in a trauma unit and with Neurosurgeons I'm better equipped to deal with this medical emergency far better than my husband.
I took both kids to the Pediatrician and they were both put on respiratory treatments, which meant I had to go to the pharmacy...If you do not live in South Florida you may not understand the perils that belie one when entering the pharmacy area of Walgreen's. The mean age of the pharmacy we went to was 110, and that was only because I had Jackson there. I gave the pharmacist my prescriptions and said we would wait. So I took Jackson up and down the aisles, searching for cheap toys treasures and avoiding the candy aisle. After sneezing and snotting all over everything we made our way back to get our drugs. There was one man there to get his prescription one month early, they would not dispense it to him and this confused him. Jackson was getting antsy. Then the next lady said she needed a flu shot...hey lady, just come over here, Jackson will sneeze on you; you give us $20 and you can check flu shot off your list. Then we were up, home free, outta here...oh wait she has to call the pediatrician because he is trying to overdose my child.
Then BAM...without warning, an 88 year old lady squeaked her way in front of us and began demanding to have her blood pressure checked, "It's an emergency!" We were about 1.5 blocks from a hospital so it was so obvious to me why she came to get the pharmacy tech to take her blood pressure with a manual cuff from 1978. They put her in a chair and told her they would be right with her after they settled my issue. This was not what she wanted to hear and I could tell her blood pressure was climbing. She was worse than Jackson, she kept asking for the blood pressure, the blood pressure. Now to be honest at any point I could have stepped in and taken her pressure, but I didn't like her attitude. She basically told the pharmacist my kids medications could wait until after her emergency was attended to. I really could not believe that I didn't yell at her. But as we left, I was able to eek out a little smile...Jackson sneezed right on her...she likely acquired the worse illness of her life...karma!

While we were in the quarantined home, I decided to start cleaning out the things we would no longer need. Blake, AKA Monster Baby, no longer fits into the swing, infant tub, many of his clothes and infant chair. He does fit into the jumper now though, this is huge because I can put him in it and get something done for about 15 minutes. I see more wine in my future.

She got rid of my comfy swing, apparently I'm too heavy...whatever!

I also had to come up with sick day activities for Jackson. This is where I discovered that he is turning into me. He wanted to sort M&M's into colors, this is an inherited compulsion that started before me...but they do taste better when you eat them one color at at time.

Sick day activities for a 2 year old are not always easy, and to be honest his labile temperament while ill meant that the usual means of entertainment was not going to cut it...

This took him more than 10 minutes...he loved sorting his cars into colors

Fortunately we are all well, just in time to take a plane trip...no germs there! I hope this virus skips your house, it was bad and I felt really bad for both kids. It's really hard to see your kids sick...but I knew they were both better when I saw Jackson running around and Blake jumping in his jumper...its the little things.

Jackson's back to running all over..."I'm super duper fast"      Blake loving his jumper...notice the I love Sake stickers...who knew?

Pit - taking a nap when you are sick is not advisable when you are the mother. I guess Jackson is not responsible for cleaning when he is sick...but Luke, really?

-

Peak - Blake has started eating real food...sweet potatoes, apples, etc,

Home made baby food, is there any other way

Have a great week.
Sharron

Family Car Trip = Tired Mom

First I want to explain that this blog will contain no photos...apparently the iPhone 4 was not equipped with a waterproofed operating system. Therefore, any photos that I took are sitting in a bag of rice with Siri hoping for of some resuscitation. Do you think the organic brown rice is superior and that Steve Jobs would find the humor and good sense in this? I'm sure hoping Apple hears me begging for this necessary water/wineproof feature on the iPhone 5. But let's face it, I will buy the next Apple iPhone and Jackson will need to know "sink like a stone or float; let's try it and see."...I don't think AT&T finds me insurable.
This brings me to the subject at hand...Family Car Trips...just say no! We decided to take a 5 day trip to Tampa to visit some family. We will be staying at their new house, where there are no children but they do have a large puppy dog, a pool with no child fence, many doors out, sparkling clean wood stairs without a gate and most importantly a LARGE wine refrigerator. Sounds like a great time because they are super fun...Enter toddler and baby...
We must pack for any and all events and emergencies...and when I say "we" must pack, I clearly mean "me". For 2 days I pack for the boys:  play clothes, pajamas, swimming clothes, oops I pooped my pants clothes, snacks (gummy spidermen and goldfish, this goes without say), books, cars ("lots of cars, momma") puzzles, highchair, baby gym; the list is endless. Then I throw together some things for myself. Mind you while I am packing Jackson's clothes, he keeps pulling them out to look at each item. Like all of a sudden I might pack the wrong outfit for him to throw a tantrum in.
Then comes our day of departure; I quickly get up, shower and dress. Jackson was refusing to eat breakfast because he can just eat snacks in the car - super! So Luke packs the car and wants to know why I'm not ready...GRRRRR! So I say let's leave when Blake is ready for a nap, hoping for some quiet in the car.
So we are off...Blake goes right to sleep, Yes! Jackson is watching movie Cars, another Yes! And I am sitting contemplating reading 50 Shades of Gray, which I have had for 2 months but not cracked open yet. After 30 minutes, Jackson decided he no longer wants to watch the movie, he wants me to sit in the back with him to read books. I get in the back to read books, this is where our trip heads south...
"Not that book!" "Put the movie back on! But only the racing parts." "Momma, look at this booger." "I'm peeing." Blake also decides that 45 minutes is long enough for napping because he was clearly missing a good time. Really though who could sleep through the constant yelling of "Mom, Momma, Mommy, Mom, Momma, Mommy...." I counted 2 million times in 4 hours, that was how many times Jackson yelled out my name. I look to Luke for some emotional support, he just shakes his head and explains, "Sharron, I'm driving" pointing straight ahead at the road as if I didn't know we were in the car. This is where  I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or throw myself out of the moving car...I just sat laughing so hard tears poured down my face...Moral of the story, install a keg instead of a dvd player, it will get more use and you will not care how many times your child yells out about his random bodily functions.
During this trip Jackson was to watch his movie, then we would stop for lunch and he would nap the rest of the way...HAHAHAHAHAHA! Novice Car Trip Mom - that's me! At one point I told Jackson that when we arrived I was going to have to poop for a long time. He thought that was the funniest thing he ever heard. I was preparing to be out of his sight for 30 minutes, no I don't think taking a glass/bottle of wine into the bathroom is sanitary but I'm just going to sit on the floor and savor the quiet. Maybe he will leave me alone if he thinks I'm pooping and why not, dads worldwide have mastered this skill of lengthy, alone bathroom time. So dad takes a magazine/New York Times; momma takes Pinot Grigio, I'll read the label.
During our stay I realized that in one afternoon we had turned their beautiful home upside down. Jackson took it upon himself to throw all sort of clothing items, pacifiers, pillows and toys off their stairs. I walked into their great room to find it littered with cars, puzzle pieces and books; Jackson was no where to be found. I guess this was room sufficiently destroyed he could move on...I would instruct our gracious hosts to keep their voices down our kids were sleeping and I was drinking. "You wake 'em, you take 'em." Then everyone in the house would wake up to Jackson announcing that he would like his juice, a candy bar and a show...this happens around 6:30. If you don't have kids, I'm guessing you don't awaken that early. Mealtime was always eventful, Blake watches a Baby Einstein while we eat, so you have 24 minutes to get the food down. And Jackson will pick and choose what items he will and won't eat today.
We had a lovely visit, many good times and memories made. Jackson was up late every night, naps were sporadic and meals consisted of cake and some taco. He had the time of his life! Blake decided that he would nap, oh yes, if someone would hold him...again when I say someone, I generally mean me. When we left, our hosts told us they would be getting another dog. I'm pretty sure this will be in lieu of any children that they had thought about having. After our visit, they are probably stocking up on birth control and eating in silence.
The car trip home was quiet, both kids napped for about 2 hours. Of course this was because my connection to the outside world had been suffocated out by water...I forgot about Siri's drowning incident. Which is not that big of a deal except I will have to engage in conversation on the way home when I could be on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest where I am supposed to be!

Peak - a great time with family.
Pit - both boys catching a cold the minute our car pulled into our driveway...too much weekend for them.
Have a wonderful week...but don't agree to any car trips!

Who's in Charge Here?

Who's in charge here? My father used to always say, "If you have to ask who's in charge, it's NOT you." Well, who's in charge here?
The rain has challenged us for the past week, apparently we had a tropical storm - Tropical Storm Isaac...not Jackson, allegedly.

To be honest I hardly noticed our wrecked backyard; I just guessed Jackson was let outside without anyone watching for a couple minutes. The flooding? Oh, Jackson likes to squirt the hose, expected water bill would be high this month.

Friday night I was suckered into taking Jackson to his first concert: The Fresh Beat Band...I say this like I don't know the words and choreography to all the songs.

How happy is he...first concert

For a mere $52/ticket, $20 for parking and $25 for his first concert t-shirt, we made it to our Friday night event. A friend and I both took our toddlers, but prior to entering this torture session we made our way to a nearby Mexican restaurant. Our kids trashed the place, (to the point that we had to leave 100% tip) while we slammed enjoyed a couple margaritas...mothers of the year once again. Then we walked over to the concert, only to realize that inside there were actual beer concessions. Oh but you can't bring your kids drink from home in because that might be a bomb. Yet the 1000 drunk parents dancing in the rain and lightning feeder bands holding their toddlers on their shoulders seems safe and reasonable.
During this concert I think, won't it be nice when Jackson can drive himself to these things...But this is South Florida, perhaps he can start driving now.

Those lines are merely a suggestion of where to park

Luke, of course, explained that the concert would be a fine mother/son experience, and that he and Blake would stay home and have guys night. Little did he know this night cost him $700 by the time all was said and done - at least it felt like highway robbery.

All set for a night with dad, got my blankie...now bring on the pizza

The library is another rainy day safe haven for us... Jackson and I went to check out some new books - "6 new books, momma" is what I was instructed. First things first though, Jackson likes to play with the beads and sometimes he likes to sing songs at the top of his lungs. An example of a totally inappropriate song that he sings, "Doing the butt...Oooowwwww...sexy, sexy"...Just perfect. The other parents just look at me and shake their heads. I'm pretty sure my chipped toenail polish is also causing them to figure I was at library while my trailer blew away in storm.

Hurry and get my 6 books before I start announcing embarrassing family secrets!

Before we leave the library we had to stop at the bathroom, which is always busy due to this being next to a retirement community. In the stall Jackson yells out, "Momma, I want to see your penis!" Wow...what do I say..."Well remember I'm a girl and girls don't have penises." That should appease him - not this time. "So do you pee out of your butt?"..."Yes." As we leave the stall, 2 more dirty, questioning looks...guess we won't come back to this library for awhile.

Sunday night brought the worst of the tropical storm for us; loud, thundering, driving rain. Jackson did not like this one bit...so to our bed he came. And once his head hit the pillow between mine and Luke's the shenanigans started. First he lets me know that he would like to watch a show...NO. Then he sings songs like twinkle, twinkle little star (We save the offensive singing for when we are out in public), I shush him. With each crack of thunder, he freezes and barks, "what's that noise". Then its back to his repertoire of songs. I can't take it, its 10:30, go to sleep. He lays quiet for 8 seconds..."10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, BLAST OFF!" He's now screaming this. I falsely threaten him that if he isn't quiet I will put him back in his bed. Just then a loud thunder crashes and lightning lights the room, I'm pretty sure it almost struck us in our bed. He yells out "I don't like this storm! I don't like that guy!" - Me neither. Alright, you don't have to go to your room alone, stay here...Oh what's that? You would like to put your knee in my back and pull my hair?...Sure, why not.

Go to work on Monday morning?  Why yes, I think I will!

Peak - Jackson has a new best friend, Diego

Pit - I'm now allowing Diego to bath Blake to save time and water...

Have a wonderful week...and try not to get suckered by your kids....
Sharron

So Many Classes, So Little Time...

It's back to school time for so many of my friends children.  I am learning that back to school brings a variety of emotions for parents. The emotions fall somewhere on the spectrum between elation that their kids will be out of the house for 8 hours a day, to sadness that their kids are getting older so fast.  I've heard complaints about the costs of clothing and the amount of school supplies that must be purchased. I've listened to out and out whining about how early these kids go to school. Also, I have seen tears on the faces of moms who have either just; sent their baby to kindergarten or realized that this is the start of their senior year in high school. Never the less, and without fail, the school year begins. As I discuss school day activities with friends, I realize that I am already in the warm up phase for the school years.
You see, Jackson attends many toddler "classes" during the week. Since Jackson does not go to daycare these classes serve as a social experience for him, he's clearly making life long friends. And it gets him out of the house to burn off some energy, knocking holes in walls other than ours for an hour or so a day. Where are such activities and who are the masochists who teach these classes? Both fine questions that prior to two years ago I would have had no answer. But after having Jackson, I found in chapter 11 of the "Mommy Manual" an entire list of places and activities for our kids. You see there is an entire subculture of activities for children that go on in your community that you know nothing of, until you have one of these little monsters.
So Jackson goes to the library for story time, and to the community art center for "young explorers", and to the School House Museum for a whole host of fun activities, and then there is the Little Gym, and Kindermusik...I think that covers most of the very important places he goes.

Now here is where you really need to pay attention because I am going to teach you the Top 5 Things I have learned by attending these classes with him...that's right I have learned perhaps more than he has...
1.  There are parents who are WAY more into this than you are. These are the parents that take video of their 2 year old eating handfuls of play doh. They are the ones who are certain their children are geniuses...and in the mean time their kid is licking the bottom of his shoe while the teacher is giving the instructions for the day's project...YES, I do think he will be the next Steve Jobs. But you cannot at anytime make jokes about the activities or the children because these parents will find this offensive...live and learn. These are not classes or activities to joke about, we are apparently building a foundation for their Ivy League college entrance exam.

Some activity that will help with calculus

2.  You will run into these parents/children many different places. So you can't act like a total ass to them in one class and then expect to never see them again...you WILL see these people again; likely over and over again for the next 18 years. So if their kid is annoying, or they are annoying, just move to a different city.
3.  Most of these classes involve some art project or science experiment. And in the end the teachers will want you to take this crap home with you. It's as if you live in a 15,000 square foot house with unlimited wall space for all these Picasso pieces your 2 year old is churning out. And do I really want to take home the coffee grinds/plaster of Paris "Dinosaur Egg"?...It looks like dinosaur poop. I'm sure this makes me a bad mother because I don't want all the flammable tissue paper that we decoupage to cardboard and then splatter with rainbow paint art that Jackson crafts. And no doubt the parents from lesson #1 keep every single scrap of this junk...I just can't do it. I generally say I'm gonna take it home proudly and then chuck it in the trash in the parking lot. I mean, let's face it, I don't need a layer of glitter over the layer of crushed gold fish in my car.

Here's some of Jackson's  Louvre quality work
I've started just photographing it all and then I don't have so much guilt

4.  If you even think about running errands after one of these classes you will find your child covered in paint, glitter and other art supplies that are unidentifiable. They will have glued one eye closed, shoved a bead up their nose and painted their arms, shirt, shorts with each color provided. Oh, and you will obviously only have enough wipes to get off the paint...you will have forgotten to refill your wipes. And without a doubt there will be a blow out diaper just to add to the debacle. You will have to make the decision to unglue the eye with the wipe and use his shorts to wipe his poop and then throw all of it out with his art work.

Here's a day that I ran short on wipes...he rode home like this!

5.  They do NOT serve alcohol at these events! Apparently EVER...that's a Big one...

I hope these lessons help you out, I wish someone would have forewarned me...I may have to move!

Peak - Blake is 4 months old and eating cereal

Pit - We have a pet turtle "Toes"...they carry Salmonella and he's sitting on my kitchen counter...want to come over for dinner on Saturday?

Have a wonderful week...Sharron