Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Don't Pee on My Floor and Don't Push out a Toot

Potty training an inmate...

Before you even start reading this...just be forewarned that if you don't want to talk about pee or poop, we can no longer be friends. I spend the great majority of my day discussing these two riveting subjects with one small terrorist and it somehow spills over into all my adult conversations.
Who ever thought that potty training a 2 year old is a good idea? I mean honestly a toddler has a long enough attention span to get them though the flushing part of the process. And why is wearing diapers until middle school frowned upon? I obviously assumed that Jackson, you know the future Bill Gates, would be potty trained by the time he was 2. And that potty training would take about 3 tries and we would all move on with our life. Hahaha, again you will find that Jackson is always "winning" and I'm generally just searching for another glass of wine. I frequently wonder how these things happen to me...
An example of why toddlers shouldn't be allowed in a bathroom alone..."just getting the toilet paper ready"
I have felt that Jackson was ready to be potty trained for months, he felt otherwise and did not hesitate to tell me so. I would ask do you want to use the potty..."No, not yet!" I asked my pediatrician when it would be time. This was my largest tactical error as a parent, to date. I asked this question in front of the  scheming diaper lover. Dr. Cohen said stop asking him about the potty...WTF?...(I ignorantly thought that if you wanted someone to learn a new skill, you must introduce that skill.) He explained that Jackson knew that using the potty was an option and that "When HE is ready, HE will use it." These words were like were like the magical sound of a new package of gummy spidermen being opened to Jackson's ears. By December I was done with Jackson singing to me, "Momma, guess what... I'm peeing!" Or, "I just peed and burped at the same time." He said that as if I should run to his baby book and add that to the page of developmental milestones...I looked, no where is there a spot for peeing and burping at the same time.
We made a deal - NO, I have not learned not to deal with terrorists...I continue in my negotiating efforts. The deal was New Year - No Diapers. Jackson looked at a box of diapers and said with sadness, "I guess that's my last box." You can bet your happy little ass that's your last box, is what I wanted to say!
We were ready...7,000 pairs of little boy underwear, potty books, Clorox wipes and 6 cases of wine. The underwear went on and we had constant potty talk. "Do you have to pee?" "Do you think we should go sit on the potty?" It goes on and on. Jackson immediately decided that he will not sit to pee. He needs to do it just like daddy. And really only girls sit to pee because we pee out of our butts. This standing to pee thing is not a good idea for grown men who understand the concept of proprioception, much less a toddler. Jackson will turn to talk to me when he is standing to pee and where his head goes so too does is pee...Hence the Clorox wipes.
Then there are the step stools. There is a step stool in front of each of our toilets, which is great when Jackson says "I need to poop right now" but not so fantastic at 3 am when you stumble into the bathroom...my shins are taking a beating. And then I am angry that I may have woken a child with my loud cursing. I'm also pretty sure that Luke is standing on these stools when he uses the bathroom just for fun.
The step stool does come in handy for the reading of the books. Jackson likes to be read to while he is attempting to poop. This was cute the first 20 times that I was sitting on the bathroom floor. But then I realized that I was being had and that he just wanted to hear about Josh and his his new potty. One day I read through all the potty books and still no poop...then you must not have to go. But I forget that he has an X and a Y chromosome so this pooping thing is a lengthy process. So he looks over at a basket full of magazine and says "what about some of those?" So there I sit reading ESPN the magazine to him. And like a moth to the flame...one article about LeBron James and we had poop. Live and learn.

Here he has roped Luke into reading the potty book

Notice the step stool and the pile of books

One night after he pooped, I left him naked because we were heading upstairs to the bath. He says "Oh, I think I have to poop some more. No. It was just a toot." And he walks past me...that was not just a toot...
Then there is the constant need to examine the poop. "How many poops?" "That poop looks like bacon."  I don't even know what to say to that, except yet another reason I don't eat bacon!

But the beauty of all this has been, it has gone really easily. He has had few accidents. And I have only thrown away 2 pairs of his underwear. And I have learned to say things like, "Don't pee on my floor" and "Never push out a toot." If you are starting your adventures in potty training I will allow you to take those phrases on as your own.
And of course, because I am not suckered enough in this relationship with the prince. There was of course a potty present. The first week that he went all day, including naps, dry he got a potty present...Cars, duh!

opening the potty present
Posing on a table in his undies with his potty present - just like momma

So one down, one to go. I'm pretty sure that Blake will potty train himself when I am not looking. This second child thing is a whole different experience.
If you are gonna potty train your toddler, just remember, accidents do happen...but running out of wine is unacceptable.

Peaks - As if having one kid out of diapers wasn't delightful enough! Little B is eating so many things now and is oh so happy about it...and he is starting to walk.
Great, walking - another possible escapee
having some cheese...its good

 Pits - My house is not getting any cleaner with all this bathroom time. I've started allowing Blake to cook...my Try it Tuesdays are really recipes that he invents. And Jackson now thinks he is a rockstar since he pees in the potty

This took only 4 potty books to happen...

But he swears he didn't do it!

Just getting some ingredients

No photos please...unless you want to see my undies

I saw this and thought is was a wine glass...I was  hopeful

Have a wonderful week...and try to talk about your own pee and poop, its very liberating!

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